Things that are easy to know, but hard to remember

I was reading this post this morning and something that she said resonated with me--

This time though, i'm finding that i don't want to dwell here anymore.  I've had my mistakes pointed out, much to my chagrin and my shame.  I've talked it out.  And i'm fed up with myself for winding up right back in the same spot i've been in before.  I should be able to learn and move on.  

I love reading her posts, and it's because I can SOOOO relate.  

It's such a habit for ME to think of learning as something linear.  It's how we're taught in school.  First you learn addition, then subtraction, then multiplication, then division-- right?

I thought about tying this into dog training again, but though it makes perfect sense to me because it's my profession and I am amazed at how human dogs are on a regular basis-- I worry that I might offend some readers if I continually compare human relationships to dog training dynamics.  Please be aware that I don't think of myself as a dog.  It's just that as sentient beings we do have many commonalities in how we learn and react to the world.  Humans are, after all, still animal.  In any case, however, I am not going to tie this post into dog training other than to say that I have worked with learning for some time, with adults, children and now pets.  Learning is a dynamic, ever changing experience.  Even small changes in life can effect our comprehension, retention and application.

It's because learning and applying happen in more places than the head.  Just because you know something in your brain doesn't mean your heart and your gut are willing to comply.  

I know that I should submit to John, I really do.  But if I ALWAYS submit, will he still give me those pieces of dominance that make me feel so safe, secure and owned?  When he feels like things are going smoothly, will he forget about MY needs?  It may show selfish immaturity, but it's human and it's real and it's something with which I struggle.  

If his discipline, leadership and dominance are successful, then I should be compliant and things will run smoothly, right?  And then when things are running smoothly, will he take that for granted?  What it comes down to is, do I trust?  

And on an increasing number of days, the answer is yes.

But, there are times when I didn't get enough sleep and life is overwhelming and I'm feeling crabby and cranky and needy and childish and I question and test and poke and prod.

Of course, in those cases he may see my weakness and vulnerability and it just appears to him as a failure of his ability to lead.  

This is all vast over-simplification of complex goings on in the process of learning how to adapt this relationship.

The big point, overall, is just that learning happens in more than the head.  And that's why I seem to regress, I think.  Because first I must learn what's expected, then I must learn how to execute it, then I must learn how to execute it when I'm not feeling it.  And-- most of all, I must learn to trust.  And I will always be learning, improving and sometimes improvement will feel like nothing other than failure.  But, so long as I keep moving forward it will not actually be failure.