Two Points for Honesty

(a little music to pair with the title-- mostly because I love Guster in the spring time)

So... I've alluded but not elucidated the events and realizations which lead me back here-- to where I began.  Over the past many months I took a step back to examine my life as a whole and determine where, really, it's meant to go.

Once I realized what I wanted on a personal level, I went after it with blind fervor-- very bull in a china-shop-ish.   Blind being the operative word there-- and it was probably in the end something that, if not destructive, was certainly not productive.  Largely the issue grew out of my reticence, still, to face the reality of my interest.  I wanted it to happen to me, rather than be an active participant.  It was an immature view of the possibilities, and I was dragging my husband along with me telling him to drag me.  Just in case you were wondering, that tactic doesn't work.

I was having multiple health issues that were continually lumped and diagnosed by doctors in 15 minutes or less as depression.  Come to find out, other things including allergies were at work.  So, eventually through a variety of circumstances I adopted a Raw, Gluten Free diet and viola-- things shaped up.  The truth is, sometimes you just have to make the mistakes.  Well, I did anyway.

Once I was able to better understand my circumstances and pull out of the emotional cyclone which I'd come to consider "normal," I began to re examine many aspects of life, including my interest in TTWD.  It's infinitely personal and we're just beginning to truly scratch the surface.  I write to work out my thoughts, and so I gravitated back to this place, where it was safe and welcoming to be imperfect, kinky, fearful and hopeful.  Sometimes, it's nice to know that the rest of the world isn't normal either. 

But, before I came back here, or even reintroduced the idea of revisiting TTWD to John, I knew I would have to initiate change in myself.  (Obvious, I know, but sometimes pure stubbornness is all it takes to halt progress of any kind).  So, I began to attempt to be submissive for no other reason than I should-- knowing that things might not go the way I wanted, knowing that it was going to be friggin' hard and at times rub against my very grain.  I'm a proud, stubborn, self-protecting person through and through.  Even my husband has told me how very difficult I am to get to know.  Vulnerability, like many others here, is not something I do... period.  But, bulletproof doesn't make any sense when there's no war to fight.

Sooooo... I'm trying very hard to soften up.  I do want this.  I want it and am in a place now to pursue it.  My past failings are something that I am actually embarrassed about when I think about it-- such sophomoric mistakes were made.  Perhaps I "shouldn't" be-- being human and all, but I am and I'll get over it.  That's the beauty of time-- we move on, up and over.


So, that's it for the 8 am confessional.