Five

I wrote the following post on my ipad-- I am not so proficient on such things yet.  Please forgive any spelling, grammar or editing mistakes.

 Love, Jane

I wonder how to best utilize elements of this relationship.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to get anything out of this set up for me... I do.  I want to feel closer to my husband.  I want to feel known.  I know it sounds like it's all about what "I want."

That's not the point, but it is something to consider.  Because John and I are in the process of switching from a "traditional" relationship to an even MORE traditional relationship...with a twist-ish something or other.

If it's not obvious from that eloquent display of clarity--we are definitely still working out the kinks.  We have forgone the "what are we" question this time around.  We are focusing on what we want, and where we are going.  Maybe it isn't romantic or so exciting approach this with such pragmatism, but it is practical and in many ways necessary.

Anyhow--so it's actually important that we both know what we want to get out of this.  I am, therefore, going to write out my selfish list.

1) Order-- I think it might have been Sara who recently observed that there really just can't be two captains steering a ship.  I haven't met a person yet that I couldn't out-stubborn.   It dawned on me at some point that winning just might not be everything.  With this it puts me in a position to have to concede-- something that my pride abhors but I otherwise realize a far more valuable skill than digging my feet in to the point of immobility.

2) Accountability-- ok, ok-- I admit that I am not always so honest with myself-- especially in situations involving deadlines, to-dos or cookies.  Although I am capable of controlling myself, all added motivation is helpful and on those days when I am feeling weak, a little external expectation and accountability would be incredibly helpful.

3) Expectations and clarity:  Although John and I already have a very good relationship, one place that I think we have fallen short is in communicating our expectations of one another to one another which has led to a lack of clarity and too many misunderstandings.  Many times this has left me feeling bereft and more alone than I like.

4) Kink factor X:  I have a theory that everyone has a primary turn on.  For many people, that turn on or co-turn-on is gender.  For some, it's something entirely different.  A very good friend of mine went through a time when he "couldn't decide if he was gay or straight.". In talking to him, though, it was apparent that he was interested in taking on a particular role in each relationship, despite gender.  I would argue that for him, gender is not a primary turn on.  He does have a partner presence, but being of the other gender is not a deal a breaker if your preferred role is what he likes.  This got me thinking of myself, and my primary turn on.  I would say that being in a position of being dominated is my #1.  So, there's the honest truth, and although 24/7 might not be practical right now, I crave a relationship which permeates the vanilla aspects of our lives.

5) Breaking the mold:  I don't want to be the wife that jokes are made of.  I want my husband to be envied his partner, less for my sake and more for his.  He is a professional and an enviable relationship in private reflects very well on him in public.  I'm grateful for him and proud of him and the way a wife sees and treats her husband often has far reaching influence.  I want to be a better wife because he deserves the best and I've often allowed my personal hang ups and issues get in the way.

So, those are my top five reasons for wanting this relationship.