What's in a name?

I have been faithfully practicing yoga for over a year now. It's something that I began to explore and found it was one those things that once added to my life almost immediately felt like home. When you feel out of place and on the fringe in life, it is an amazing experience to have that perception flipped on its end with just a few life changes. I have finally stopped fighting those elements of myself and begun to embrace them. So what if I am a 27 year old eccentric?  At least I feel at home in my own body.  I like to think of it as endearing eccentricities-- rather than disturbing.

Anyhow, the term Pada Hastasana is a term which means something along the lines of "hands to feet pose". Marrying my love of yoga with my interest in TTWD-- it seemed like the perfect personal association for a blog when I was returning to the blogosphere.

Five

I wrote the following post on my ipad-- I am not so proficient on such things yet.  Please forgive any spelling, grammar or editing mistakes.

 Love, Jane

I wonder how to best utilize elements of this relationship.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to get anything out of this set up for me... I do.  I want to feel closer to my husband.  I want to feel known.  I know it sounds like it's all about what "I want."

That's not the point, but it is something to consider.  Because John and I are in the process of switching from a "traditional" relationship to an even MORE traditional relationship...with a twist-ish something or other.

If it's not obvious from that eloquent display of clarity--we are definitely still working out the kinks.  We have forgone the "what are we" question this time around.  We are focusing on what we want, and where we are going.  Maybe it isn't romantic or so exciting approach this with such pragmatism, but it is practical and in many ways necessary.

Anyhow--so it's actually important that we both know what we want to get out of this.  I am, therefore, going to write out my selfish list.

1) Order-- I think it might have been Sara who recently observed that there really just can't be two captains steering a ship.  I haven't met a person yet that I couldn't out-stubborn.   It dawned on me at some point that winning just might not be everything.  With this it puts me in a position to have to concede-- something that my pride abhors but I otherwise realize a far more valuable skill than digging my feet in to the point of immobility.

2) Accountability-- ok, ok-- I admit that I am not always so honest with myself-- especially in situations involving deadlines, to-dos or cookies.  Although I am capable of controlling myself, all added motivation is helpful and on those days when I am feeling weak, a little external expectation and accountability would be incredibly helpful.

3) Expectations and clarity:  Although John and I already have a very good relationship, one place that I think we have fallen short is in communicating our expectations of one another to one another which has led to a lack of clarity and too many misunderstandings.  Many times this has left me feeling bereft and more alone than I like.

4) Kink factor X:  I have a theory that everyone has a primary turn on.  For many people, that turn on or co-turn-on is gender.  For some, it's something entirely different.  A very good friend of mine went through a time when he "couldn't decide if he was gay or straight.". In talking to him, though, it was apparent that he was interested in taking on a particular role in each relationship, despite gender.  I would argue that for him, gender is not a primary turn on.  He does have a partner presence, but being of the other gender is not a deal a breaker if your preferred role is what he likes.  This got me thinking of myself, and my primary turn on.  I would say that being in a position of being dominated is my #1.  So, there's the honest truth, and although 24/7 might not be practical right now, I crave a relationship which permeates the vanilla aspects of our lives.

5) Breaking the mold:  I don't want to be the wife that jokes are made of.  I want my husband to be envied his partner, less for my sake and more for his.  He is a professional and an enviable relationship in private reflects very well on him in public.  I'm grateful for him and proud of him and the way a wife sees and treats her husband often has far reaching influence.  I want to be a better wife because he deserves the best and I've often allowed my personal hang ups and issues get in the way.

So, those are my top five reasons for wanting this relationship.

The male of the species and something to ponder

Conversation--

John: What are you thinking about?

Jane: Eh... a few things I read today in blogs.

John: About?

Jane: Yanno... STUFF.

John: What stuff?

Jane:  I  know I'm trying to be more honest and open (pause, shuffle shuffle) but I'm pretty sure that I'm the kinkier of the two of us and I fear that I'm significantly kinkier and then what are we going to do when you find out that I'm not just kinky... I'm, like, KINKY.

John: We'll work it out.

three days later....

(Couple clearly finishes engaging in a something or other which will not be detailed here-- but they are smiling and you have imaginations.)

Jane: That was surprising-- where did "that" come from?

John:  Well, you said you thought you were more kinky...

Jane:  I said I WORRIED that I was more kinky.

John: Yeah, well, I took it as a challenge. 

Jane:  Seriously?  I tell you  my fear and you think I'm throwing down the gauntlet?

John:  Well, I don't think you're more kinky than I am. 

Hmm...

Two Points for Honesty

(a little music to pair with the title-- mostly because I love Guster in the spring time)

So... I've alluded but not elucidated the events and realizations which lead me back here-- to where I began.  Over the past many months I took a step back to examine my life as a whole and determine where, really, it's meant to go.

Once I realized what I wanted on a personal level, I went after it with blind fervor-- very bull in a china-shop-ish.   Blind being the operative word there-- and it was probably in the end something that, if not destructive, was certainly not productive.  Largely the issue grew out of my reticence, still, to face the reality of my interest.  I wanted it to happen to me, rather than be an active participant.  It was an immature view of the possibilities, and I was dragging my husband along with me telling him to drag me.  Just in case you were wondering, that tactic doesn't work.

I was having multiple health issues that were continually lumped and diagnosed by doctors in 15 minutes or less as depression.  Come to find out, other things including allergies were at work.  So, eventually through a variety of circumstances I adopted a Raw, Gluten Free diet and viola-- things shaped up.  The truth is, sometimes you just have to make the mistakes.  Well, I did anyway.

Once I was able to better understand my circumstances and pull out of the emotional cyclone which I'd come to consider "normal," I began to re examine many aspects of life, including my interest in TTWD.  It's infinitely personal and we're just beginning to truly scratch the surface.  I write to work out my thoughts, and so I gravitated back to this place, where it was safe and welcoming to be imperfect, kinky, fearful and hopeful.  Sometimes, it's nice to know that the rest of the world isn't normal either. 

But, before I came back here, or even reintroduced the idea of revisiting TTWD to John, I knew I would have to initiate change in myself.  (Obvious, I know, but sometimes pure stubbornness is all it takes to halt progress of any kind).  So, I began to attempt to be submissive for no other reason than I should-- knowing that things might not go the way I wanted, knowing that it was going to be friggin' hard and at times rub against my very grain.  I'm a proud, stubborn, self-protecting person through and through.  Even my husband has told me how very difficult I am to get to know.  Vulnerability, like many others here, is not something I do... period.  But, bulletproof doesn't make any sense when there's no war to fight.

Sooooo... I'm trying very hard to soften up.  I do want this.  I want it and am in a place now to pursue it.  My past failings are something that I am actually embarrassed about when I think about it-- such sophomoric mistakes were made.  Perhaps I "shouldn't" be-- being human and all, but I am and I'll get over it.  That's the beauty of time-- we move on, up and over.


So, that's it for the 8 am confessional.

Facing the worst to get the best...

So, there are all sorts of exciting turn-on-ish sorts of things that go with this dynamic.  There are a variety of fun challenges and bonding exercises and such.

Unfortunately, that's not the whole of it... just as it's not the whole of any relationship.  I am also forced to face my weaknesses, failures and imperfections (I know-- I have them-- close your mouth please, didn't your mother teach you better?).

On a different, but related note, I have many talents.  I am a good cook, I paint, I'm insightful with dogs and I can do things with my tongue that get you into strange talent segments on evening talk shows.  

So, apparently, occasionally... I am good at things that I'd rather not claim in public or in private.    (There, I said it, first step is to claim it.)  Contrary to popular belief I am not, nor have I ever been, perfect.  In some things I am not mature at all.  For instance, I find this hilarious:

Anyhow, I admit, I LIKE to get my way.  The fact of the matter is, I'm USED to getting my way.  I didn't realize it until I took a minute to reflect.  I don't take pride in it, but it is a reality that I must face.

Doors are, literally and figuratively, quite often open for me.

Now, it wasn't always this way.  I don't know where or why it began or when I began to take it for granted.

And this morning, when I received an email from my darling husband with a link to a blog post which chronicles something that I happen to be "very good at," I preened a bit, preparing for a very good morning indeed.

Then, surely my face fell.

Apparently there is something that I do (I like to think exceedingly rarely). I pout.  I am a pouter.  It's not cute or endearing or anything but annoying.  I rarely find it satisfying as well, if I'm honest.  Let's face it, it's certainly not a noble M.O.

So, as we delve once again into this way of life (try two is going much better than try one... but more on that later) not everything is fun and games.

John and I have been exchanging blog posts, articles and websites which we find relevant to where we'd like our relationship to go.  We send them throughout the week and then discuss on Sundays and Wednesdays.  We haven't further discussed what we will do in order to help me minimize the distention of my lower lip.  If you've read this and have thoughts or advise please do share.  

Although I was looking forward to articles and blogs chronicling blush-worthy sex acts and coquettish ideas to keep the marriage exciting and engaging-- some of what's coming out is actually structured for relationship and self-improvement.  So I must mature and grow and become more of an adult and such. 

Then again, some things never change.

On that note and in conclusion please let me say--

The Okayness of things...

 
 I train dogs for a living... all kinds of dogs-- including police and military canines.  I pull from several techniques and use everything from clickers to "static collars."  I try to use every tool wisely and efficiently.  I approach positive reinforcement as my foundation; but I do find that the use of negative stimulus can expedite the training process considerably.

Furthermore, in my training, I often negative stimulus as a tool to actually build a shy or timid dog up and make them braver, happier--less fearful and more confident.

Trends right now in training consider the inclusion of negative stimulus in training archaic.  I've also seen methods terribly abused... even by certain celebrity trainers who like to work their "magic." Negative in training is never appropriate until there is a clarity of expectations. 

I tell my clients that an appropriate correction for one dog can very easily be abuse for another.  Look at your dog, if you correct it negatively, does he/she bounce back quickly-- look at their ears and tail.  It's expected that the dog will react to stimulus in the moment, whether negative or positive.  But, if your dog shuts down, ears down, tail down... and doesn't bounce back... then perhaps you should question your methods.

I have one dog that absolutely shuts down if I am verbally firm with him.  For him, it's much easier for me to keep very calm with my voice and happy with my demeanor and issue quick but firm corrections when necessary.  I can clearly communicate that I won't abide inappropriate behavior, but he preens when he gets things right and he can hear it in my voice.

For another dog... she can't tolerate physical correction-- she just rolls over on her back and turns tail, but speak to her as firm, loud or aggressively as you like-- her tail won't stop wagging!  (It's actually very hard to be firm with her anyways-- she's awfully cute).

There are some things that are absolutely, non-negotiably abuse.  But there are some things that are in a gray area.  I think abuse is something that breaks the spirit.  Discipline, on the other hand, strengthens.  We all feel connected and disconnected in different ways and by different triggers.  It's okay to desire discipline-- and to give it as well.

All of this dog talk is my way of thinking through parallels which may offer clarity to myself as to why I might desire such a relationship as TTWD offers.  

In my relationship, staying mutually silent after a disagreement and going our separate ways is far more damaging to me than a little physical soreness to aid in working out our differences.

The results are what's most telling.  When I look at the dogs I work with, sometimes there is something negative that must be addressed to move forward.  I can spend 2 minutes addressing it through appropriate negative stimulus, and then the other 58 minutes of the training hour can be spent enjoying the dog's company in fun and engaging training... or I can try to be "nice" and spend 58 minutes nagging the dog waiting for those two minutes as an attempt to capture what may not even be intentional or clear good behavior. 

It's important to temper rather than tear... in order to establish expectations.  In the relationships I have with the dogs that I work with my goal is not to achieve friendship-- it's to achieve a partnership.  Friendship is easy, partnership requires much greater communication, respect and rapport.

On a, clearly, very different level I also seek a partnership with my husband.  Why I crave for it to be structured as I do I cannot say... but given my line of work I do wonder if there is a level of instinct which drives my desire. 

*As a side note, I would like to mention that all negative stimulus is applied using appropriate tools and circumstances.  I do not hit, kick or otherwise "beat" the dogs.  I don't rely on negative training as my primary tool either.  It is, however, part of my arsenal and when used appropriately it is effective in building respect and expectations.  

Why so quiet?

So, I haven't been able to post here.  Not because I have so little to say-- but because I have SO MUCH to say... I don't know where to re-start.

I sit down to write and all of my thoughts get discombobulated.

Perhaps it would help to stand on my head-- get the blood rushing to a useful body part.

I think I'll write my thoughts out in a list, then transfer them here.  Stay tuned...