A question...

I know that there are many out there who specifically want to give or receive discipline.

For me, however, I'm learning that it's not discipline that I crave-- so much as it is attention.

And I wonder if there are any others out there who have realized something similar... and if so--how do you feel that need is fulfilled?

In what way is our submission granted the craved attention outside of discipline?

Kinky Complications

What I was pondering this morning, and am now writing about, is the complication of this certain "kink" which brings many of us together here in this space.

For many, kinks are complicated because they involve social maneuvering and vulnerability.  However, on the complication scale there is quite a bit of variation.  For instance, if one is particularly fond of piercings, that may involve trips to the piercers, planning new modifications, etc.  But, it's all rather tangible and can be more easily separated from day to day life.

With TTWD, however-- at least for me, the kink of it all depends in large part on times when things aren't directly sexual.

It's about being told what to wear (or not to wear, as the case may be).  It's about having my door opened for me, and putting dinner on the table.  

It's about including the sexual in the mundane.  A text message in the middle of the day that must be immediately erased-- on the off chance I get in a car accident and someone sees my phone.

It's about the fact that people think I'm nice and sweet and a very good girl.  I find it hilarious that people watch their language around me, and apologize on the off chance I've been offended.  

If they only knew...

So it's complicated.  Especially as one who wants to be on the sub side of things.  Because, to truly feel satisfied, I can't be in control.  I don't want to be in control.  But, sometimes it's not enough not to be in control-- I want REMINDERS that I'm not in control-- while I'm out working, home cleaning, wandering around walking the dog...

Things that are easy to know, but hard to remember

I was reading this post this morning and something that she said resonated with me--

This time though, i'm finding that i don't want to dwell here anymore.  I've had my mistakes pointed out, much to my chagrin and my shame.  I've talked it out.  And i'm fed up with myself for winding up right back in the same spot i've been in before.  I should be able to learn and move on.  

I love reading her posts, and it's because I can SOOOO relate.  

It's such a habit for ME to think of learning as something linear.  It's how we're taught in school.  First you learn addition, then subtraction, then multiplication, then division-- right?

I thought about tying this into dog training again, but though it makes perfect sense to me because it's my profession and I am amazed at how human dogs are on a regular basis-- I worry that I might offend some readers if I continually compare human relationships to dog training dynamics.  Please be aware that I don't think of myself as a dog.  It's just that as sentient beings we do have many commonalities in how we learn and react to the world.  Humans are, after all, still animal.  In any case, however, I am not going to tie this post into dog training other than to say that I have worked with learning for some time, with adults, children and now pets.  Learning is a dynamic, ever changing experience.  Even small changes in life can effect our comprehension, retention and application.

It's because learning and applying happen in more places than the head.  Just because you know something in your brain doesn't mean your heart and your gut are willing to comply.  

I know that I should submit to John, I really do.  But if I ALWAYS submit, will he still give me those pieces of dominance that make me feel so safe, secure and owned?  When he feels like things are going smoothly, will he forget about MY needs?  It may show selfish immaturity, but it's human and it's real and it's something with which I struggle.  

If his discipline, leadership and dominance are successful, then I should be compliant and things will run smoothly, right?  And then when things are running smoothly, will he take that for granted?  What it comes down to is, do I trust?  

And on an increasing number of days, the answer is yes.

But, there are times when I didn't get enough sleep and life is overwhelming and I'm feeling crabby and cranky and needy and childish and I question and test and poke and prod.

Of course, in those cases he may see my weakness and vulnerability and it just appears to him as a failure of his ability to lead.  

This is all vast over-simplification of complex goings on in the process of learning how to adapt this relationship.

The big point, overall, is just that learning happens in more than the head.  And that's why I seem to regress, I think.  Because first I must learn what's expected, then I must learn how to execute it, then I must learn how to execute it when I'm not feeling it.  And-- most of all, I must learn to trust.  And I will always be learning, improving and sometimes improvement will feel like nothing other than failure.  But, so long as I keep moving forward it will not actually be failure.

Happy Easter!

Holidays are a wonderful time to make a concerted effort to appreciate those in your life-- and I must say that those blogs that I have been reading and you with whom I've been interacting both here and there have brought a lot of peace and have aided in a level of self-acceptance that may not have otherwise been accomplished-- at least not so soon.

For that-- for your shared thoughts and ideas and for the never ending pool of acceptance I say thank you.

And, of course, Happy Easter!

--Jane

It's the little things.

I've recently broken up with one of my life's great loves.  Not to worry, John and I are still together.  No, the one with which I have parted-- with whom I had no idea I co-existed in such a love-hate (I loved him, he hated me) relationship is the one, the only...


gluten.


Yes, I've hopped aboard the gluten-free ship and I don't think I'll be disembarking.  I loathe fads when it comes to dietary changes.  However, after adopting a vegetarian diet, and then progressing to vegan and feeling infinitely better because of it I began to truly consider the effects of the things that enter my body.  I came across a book called "Crazy, Sexy Diet" by Kris Carr.  She is a stage 4 cancer patient who has been controlling her cancer for the past 8 years through diet specifically.  Now, she does have a rather rare and slow growing form of cancer, but it's stable and has been since she has made the changes outlined in the book.


I was already a vegan when I picked it up and thought I was doing rather well with it.  Then, she suggested going gluten free-- something at which I scoffed.  Then I read the symptoms-- (you can skip this part if you don't want too much shared information, k?)

• Gaining fat or losing weight.*
• Malnutrition and deficiency of iron.*
• Abdominal problems such swelling, pain, gastric trouble, constipation and diarrhea.*
• Joint pain.*
• Nervousness.*
• Inflammation over skin.*
• Headache and giddiness.*
• Fatigue.***
• Anger and loss of temper.***
• Irregular MC and miscarriage in women.
• Cramps and numbness.*** (specifically in my legs)

I've put stars by the challenges I'd been facing.  So, after scoffing I thought about it in more detail and I figured if I was going to follow the diet then I ought to follow it through.  It's a 21 day cleanse and its focus deals with balancing your body's natural ph.  I enjoyed reading the book and have enjoyed adopting the diet.  For me, it's something that I have continued to stick with.

Sooo... I took gluten out of my diet and noticed a HUGE difference.  Way bigger than I ever expected.  Then, this past weekend due to the move I was unable to maintain my rigid dietary requirements (and by unable I really mean lazy, ok, there I said it).  

Anyhow, my symptoms are back with a vengeance and I am convinced that gluten-free is now a permanent status for me.

Why am I rambling on about this, you ask?

Bear in mind, I have very supportive friends and family.  However, when the subject comes up they inevitably say the same thing, "I couldn't do it."

For them, giving up those prized foods is just too much to deal with.  They'd rather deal with discomfort than part with their beloved grub.  For some, they just aren't having issues-- of COURSE they're not going to give up gluten, they don't need to.  For others, and one friend in particular, she is having issues and every member of her family has some level of gluten intolerance/celiac disease.  She won't give it up though, despite numerous health issues.  She just "couldn't" do it. 

I see a parallel between this and TTWD.  A lot of people "couldn't" give up their freedom to submit to their partner.  It's so dear to them that they would rather live in their current relationship.  If those relationships are good, once again, of COURSE they wouldn't change them.  Why fix what isn't broken.

It's those that are rocky, unhappy and weak that concern me.  Is each partner's freedom, independence and autonomy so valuable that it's worth the price of a good, solid and satisfying relationship?  Is independence so precious that the bond between two people should suffer to preserve it?  

When I discovered the link to gluten I went out and armed myself with information.  I bought cookbooks (primarily raw food cookbooks which are all gluten free), I joined groups and investigated the possibilities and learned that there is a whole world of amazing food-- with VARIETY which are categorized as gluten free.  Of course, eating out can be a challenge, but we should avoid doing that anyhow and there are a LOT of restaurants which are now adopting gluten free options.

We're just rearranging things a little bit and life is so much better I don't even feel like I'm making a sacrifice.  It's not easier, but it's BETTER.

It's so easy to focus on what is lost-- whether that's gluten or a little bit of independence.  But, sometimes the gain can be infinitely better if you allow it.  Health-- personal and relational, is an amazing experience.  For me, it's worth every bit of sacrifice and then some.  I feel like I've won the lottery.  I'm HAPPY.  

And, had I not given up gluten, had I not committed to giving up some of my dearly held independence I would have continued to live a life with which I was only satisfied-- just making it through.

I'm not saying gluten or TTWD are everyone's solution.  I'm saying that if you write something off as something you "couldn't" do... without even trying you could be missing out on a wonderful thing.  

John's Great Idea

You should have seen the grin on his face.

I've been behaving, for sure.

Ruh Roh

So, John and I have been figuring things out. One thing we both know is that a TTWD relationship very much appeals to us... but spanking as discipline just hasn't seemed to fit us for a myriad of reasons.

Also, sometimes I speak without thinking.

And my mouth came up with this AWESOME idea and blurted it out without consulting my brain. Yikies, is all I can say.

Mouth: Why don't you discipline with work outs?

Brain: WTF?

John: That's a great idea!

Mouth: F*** (please excuse my language)

And there you have it. Oh well...at least I'll be hot.

Non-negotiables...

So, everyone has their own take on this sort of relationship, from solely in the bedroom to 24/7. I assume everyone has elements which make it work for them-- one person may absolutely "need" bondage, another might just need to have direction given from the D...

What are your non-negotiables? What are things in the relationship that, if removed, would take away from its' overall value?

And, when those things are included, what do they bring to the relationship?

If you are visiting/reading, I do hope you'll share. I'm thinking this over for a future post. At the moment, however, I'm in the process of packing/moving and I'd love the welcome distraction of your thoughts/opinions.

Love,

Jane

What's in a name?

I have been faithfully practicing yoga for over a year now. It's something that I began to explore and found it was one those things that once added to my life almost immediately felt like home. When you feel out of place and on the fringe in life, it is an amazing experience to have that perception flipped on its end with just a few life changes. I have finally stopped fighting those elements of myself and begun to embrace them. So what if I am a 27 year old eccentric?  At least I feel at home in my own body.  I like to think of it as endearing eccentricities-- rather than disturbing.

Anyhow, the term Pada Hastasana is a term which means something along the lines of "hands to feet pose". Marrying my love of yoga with my interest in TTWD-- it seemed like the perfect personal association for a blog when I was returning to the blogosphere.

Five

I wrote the following post on my ipad-- I am not so proficient on such things yet.  Please forgive any spelling, grammar or editing mistakes.

 Love, Jane

I wonder how to best utilize elements of this relationship.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to get anything out of this set up for me... I do.  I want to feel closer to my husband.  I want to feel known.  I know it sounds like it's all about what "I want."

That's not the point, but it is something to consider.  Because John and I are in the process of switching from a "traditional" relationship to an even MORE traditional relationship...with a twist-ish something or other.

If it's not obvious from that eloquent display of clarity--we are definitely still working out the kinks.  We have forgone the "what are we" question this time around.  We are focusing on what we want, and where we are going.  Maybe it isn't romantic or so exciting approach this with such pragmatism, but it is practical and in many ways necessary.

Anyhow--so it's actually important that we both know what we want to get out of this.  I am, therefore, going to write out my selfish list.

1) Order-- I think it might have been Sara who recently observed that there really just can't be two captains steering a ship.  I haven't met a person yet that I couldn't out-stubborn.   It dawned on me at some point that winning just might not be everything.  With this it puts me in a position to have to concede-- something that my pride abhors but I otherwise realize a far more valuable skill than digging my feet in to the point of immobility.

2) Accountability-- ok, ok-- I admit that I am not always so honest with myself-- especially in situations involving deadlines, to-dos or cookies.  Although I am capable of controlling myself, all added motivation is helpful and on those days when I am feeling weak, a little external expectation and accountability would be incredibly helpful.

3) Expectations and clarity:  Although John and I already have a very good relationship, one place that I think we have fallen short is in communicating our expectations of one another to one another which has led to a lack of clarity and too many misunderstandings.  Many times this has left me feeling bereft and more alone than I like.

4) Kink factor X:  I have a theory that everyone has a primary turn on.  For many people, that turn on or co-turn-on is gender.  For some, it's something entirely different.  A very good friend of mine went through a time when he "couldn't decide if he was gay or straight.". In talking to him, though, it was apparent that he was interested in taking on a particular role in each relationship, despite gender.  I would argue that for him, gender is not a primary turn on.  He does have a partner presence, but being of the other gender is not a deal a breaker if your preferred role is what he likes.  This got me thinking of myself, and my primary turn on.  I would say that being in a position of being dominated is my #1.  So, there's the honest truth, and although 24/7 might not be practical right now, I crave a relationship which permeates the vanilla aspects of our lives.

5) Breaking the mold:  I don't want to be the wife that jokes are made of.  I want my husband to be envied his partner, less for my sake and more for his.  He is a professional and an enviable relationship in private reflects very well on him in public.  I'm grateful for him and proud of him and the way a wife sees and treats her husband often has far reaching influence.  I want to be a better wife because he deserves the best and I've often allowed my personal hang ups and issues get in the way.

So, those are my top five reasons for wanting this relationship.

The male of the species and something to ponder

Conversation--

John: What are you thinking about?

Jane: Eh... a few things I read today in blogs.

John: About?

Jane: Yanno... STUFF.

John: What stuff?

Jane:  I  know I'm trying to be more honest and open (pause, shuffle shuffle) but I'm pretty sure that I'm the kinkier of the two of us and I fear that I'm significantly kinkier and then what are we going to do when you find out that I'm not just kinky... I'm, like, KINKY.

John: We'll work it out.

three days later....

(Couple clearly finishes engaging in a something or other which will not be detailed here-- but they are smiling and you have imaginations.)

Jane: That was surprising-- where did "that" come from?

John:  Well, you said you thought you were more kinky...

Jane:  I said I WORRIED that I was more kinky.

John: Yeah, well, I took it as a challenge. 

Jane:  Seriously?  I tell you  my fear and you think I'm throwing down the gauntlet?

John:  Well, I don't think you're more kinky than I am. 

Hmm...

Two Points for Honesty

(a little music to pair with the title-- mostly because I love Guster in the spring time)

So... I've alluded but not elucidated the events and realizations which lead me back here-- to where I began.  Over the past many months I took a step back to examine my life as a whole and determine where, really, it's meant to go.

Once I realized what I wanted on a personal level, I went after it with blind fervor-- very bull in a china-shop-ish.   Blind being the operative word there-- and it was probably in the end something that, if not destructive, was certainly not productive.  Largely the issue grew out of my reticence, still, to face the reality of my interest.  I wanted it to happen to me, rather than be an active participant.  It was an immature view of the possibilities, and I was dragging my husband along with me telling him to drag me.  Just in case you were wondering, that tactic doesn't work.

I was having multiple health issues that were continually lumped and diagnosed by doctors in 15 minutes or less as depression.  Come to find out, other things including allergies were at work.  So, eventually through a variety of circumstances I adopted a Raw, Gluten Free diet and viola-- things shaped up.  The truth is, sometimes you just have to make the mistakes.  Well, I did anyway.

Once I was able to better understand my circumstances and pull out of the emotional cyclone which I'd come to consider "normal," I began to re examine many aspects of life, including my interest in TTWD.  It's infinitely personal and we're just beginning to truly scratch the surface.  I write to work out my thoughts, and so I gravitated back to this place, where it was safe and welcoming to be imperfect, kinky, fearful and hopeful.  Sometimes, it's nice to know that the rest of the world isn't normal either. 

But, before I came back here, or even reintroduced the idea of revisiting TTWD to John, I knew I would have to initiate change in myself.  (Obvious, I know, but sometimes pure stubbornness is all it takes to halt progress of any kind).  So, I began to attempt to be submissive for no other reason than I should-- knowing that things might not go the way I wanted, knowing that it was going to be friggin' hard and at times rub against my very grain.  I'm a proud, stubborn, self-protecting person through and through.  Even my husband has told me how very difficult I am to get to know.  Vulnerability, like many others here, is not something I do... period.  But, bulletproof doesn't make any sense when there's no war to fight.

Sooooo... I'm trying very hard to soften up.  I do want this.  I want it and am in a place now to pursue it.  My past failings are something that I am actually embarrassed about when I think about it-- such sophomoric mistakes were made.  Perhaps I "shouldn't" be-- being human and all, but I am and I'll get over it.  That's the beauty of time-- we move on, up and over.


So, that's it for the 8 am confessional.

Facing the worst to get the best...

So, there are all sorts of exciting turn-on-ish sorts of things that go with this dynamic.  There are a variety of fun challenges and bonding exercises and such.

Unfortunately, that's not the whole of it... just as it's not the whole of any relationship.  I am also forced to face my weaknesses, failures and imperfections (I know-- I have them-- close your mouth please, didn't your mother teach you better?).

On a different, but related note, I have many talents.  I am a good cook, I paint, I'm insightful with dogs and I can do things with my tongue that get you into strange talent segments on evening talk shows.  

So, apparently, occasionally... I am good at things that I'd rather not claim in public or in private.    (There, I said it, first step is to claim it.)  Contrary to popular belief I am not, nor have I ever been, perfect.  In some things I am not mature at all.  For instance, I find this hilarious:

Anyhow, I admit, I LIKE to get my way.  The fact of the matter is, I'm USED to getting my way.  I didn't realize it until I took a minute to reflect.  I don't take pride in it, but it is a reality that I must face.

Doors are, literally and figuratively, quite often open for me.

Now, it wasn't always this way.  I don't know where or why it began or when I began to take it for granted.

And this morning, when I received an email from my darling husband with a link to a blog post which chronicles something that I happen to be "very good at," I preened a bit, preparing for a very good morning indeed.

Then, surely my face fell.

Apparently there is something that I do (I like to think exceedingly rarely). I pout.  I am a pouter.  It's not cute or endearing or anything but annoying.  I rarely find it satisfying as well, if I'm honest.  Let's face it, it's certainly not a noble M.O.

So, as we delve once again into this way of life (try two is going much better than try one... but more on that later) not everything is fun and games.

John and I have been exchanging blog posts, articles and websites which we find relevant to where we'd like our relationship to go.  We send them throughout the week and then discuss on Sundays and Wednesdays.  We haven't further discussed what we will do in order to help me minimize the distention of my lower lip.  If you've read this and have thoughts or advise please do share.  

Although I was looking forward to articles and blogs chronicling blush-worthy sex acts and coquettish ideas to keep the marriage exciting and engaging-- some of what's coming out is actually structured for relationship and self-improvement.  So I must mature and grow and become more of an adult and such. 

Then again, some things never change.

On that note and in conclusion please let me say--

The Okayness of things...

 
 I train dogs for a living... all kinds of dogs-- including police and military canines.  I pull from several techniques and use everything from clickers to "static collars."  I try to use every tool wisely and efficiently.  I approach positive reinforcement as my foundation; but I do find that the use of negative stimulus can expedite the training process considerably.

Furthermore, in my training, I often negative stimulus as a tool to actually build a shy or timid dog up and make them braver, happier--less fearful and more confident.

Trends right now in training consider the inclusion of negative stimulus in training archaic.  I've also seen methods terribly abused... even by certain celebrity trainers who like to work their "magic." Negative in training is never appropriate until there is a clarity of expectations. 

I tell my clients that an appropriate correction for one dog can very easily be abuse for another.  Look at your dog, if you correct it negatively, does he/she bounce back quickly-- look at their ears and tail.  It's expected that the dog will react to stimulus in the moment, whether negative or positive.  But, if your dog shuts down, ears down, tail down... and doesn't bounce back... then perhaps you should question your methods.

I have one dog that absolutely shuts down if I am verbally firm with him.  For him, it's much easier for me to keep very calm with my voice and happy with my demeanor and issue quick but firm corrections when necessary.  I can clearly communicate that I won't abide inappropriate behavior, but he preens when he gets things right and he can hear it in my voice.

For another dog... she can't tolerate physical correction-- she just rolls over on her back and turns tail, but speak to her as firm, loud or aggressively as you like-- her tail won't stop wagging!  (It's actually very hard to be firm with her anyways-- she's awfully cute).

There are some things that are absolutely, non-negotiably abuse.  But there are some things that are in a gray area.  I think abuse is something that breaks the spirit.  Discipline, on the other hand, strengthens.  We all feel connected and disconnected in different ways and by different triggers.  It's okay to desire discipline-- and to give it as well.

All of this dog talk is my way of thinking through parallels which may offer clarity to myself as to why I might desire such a relationship as TTWD offers.  

In my relationship, staying mutually silent after a disagreement and going our separate ways is far more damaging to me than a little physical soreness to aid in working out our differences.

The results are what's most telling.  When I look at the dogs I work with, sometimes there is something negative that must be addressed to move forward.  I can spend 2 minutes addressing it through appropriate negative stimulus, and then the other 58 minutes of the training hour can be spent enjoying the dog's company in fun and engaging training... or I can try to be "nice" and spend 58 minutes nagging the dog waiting for those two minutes as an attempt to capture what may not even be intentional or clear good behavior. 

It's important to temper rather than tear... in order to establish expectations.  In the relationships I have with the dogs that I work with my goal is not to achieve friendship-- it's to achieve a partnership.  Friendship is easy, partnership requires much greater communication, respect and rapport.

On a, clearly, very different level I also seek a partnership with my husband.  Why I crave for it to be structured as I do I cannot say... but given my line of work I do wonder if there is a level of instinct which drives my desire. 

*As a side note, I would like to mention that all negative stimulus is applied using appropriate tools and circumstances.  I do not hit, kick or otherwise "beat" the dogs.  I don't rely on negative training as my primary tool either.  It is, however, part of my arsenal and when used appropriately it is effective in building respect and expectations.  

Why so quiet?

So, I haven't been able to post here.  Not because I have so little to say-- but because I have SO MUCH to say... I don't know where to re-start.

I sit down to write and all of my thoughts get discombobulated.

Perhaps it would help to stand on my head-- get the blood rushing to a useful body part.

I think I'll write my thoughts out in a list, then transfer them here.  Stay tuned...