AHHH

I've been swamped recently, swamped I tell you!

We've had a lot going on, both expected and unexpected and I have been neglecting my poor little blog-- which means I have some introspection constipation (not to be too graphic or anything).

I'm pretty sure there will be an outpouring of posts as soon as I have time to process everything that needs to be processed-- soon.

No True Genius

The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be. --Edgar Allan Poe


The issue is I have an abundance of incomplete thoughts running around my head.  You know-- the beginnings of concepts that lead to clarity that have not fully come to fruition yet.  So, I am doing a lot of pondering.


I ran across this over at Defer & Submit and wonder if maybe I'll do it too.  Sometimes direct questions are a good way to get the mental juices flowing again and work things out one thing at a time.  We shall see.


Have a lovely hump day tomorrow readers!


Love,


Jane

1,770

So, we're playing around with things, trying to figure out what works best for us.

John had a realization that went something like this-- "I can't abide the thought of hitting you... but I have no problem causing you pain."

And the truth of that statement was made quite clear to me this morning as I trekked up and down a set of 59 stairs... 30 times with him grinning like the cheshire cat at the bottom.

While we aren't sure if discipline is going to be part of TTWD for us or not, we're not completely opposed to the idea.  This week we played around with the things.  We both have bad habits.  We agreed on a few of mine that could be addressed.  For every time I fail-- I have to run steps 10x.  In our new neighborhood there is a park down the street with a set of 59 steps leading up to an elementary school.  This week I had three "infractions" (for lack of a better word).  So, it was 30 times up and down the stairs.

It may not be spanking-- but I promise my tail is gonna be sore for DAYS to come.

We're going to try this for a while.

Apart from this, John is overseeing my fitness plan in general-- as he was a pre-elite athlete in college and I got in trouble for reading too much as a kid.  Stairs are specifically for "discipline" though, and won't be used for regular work outs (thank GOD).

 I don't really think of it as "discipline" in a "you're in trouble" way.  It's more of a conditioning/behavior modification thing.  I have bad habits-- this is a method for John to help me break them.  He's my coach, among other things.

As far as this morning went, however, I'm rather strong, but my cardio-pulminary fitness is lacking for sure.  I do yoga several times a week and can balance on my head, arms and one leg.  But, this was something my body was not accustomed to.  My legs were shaking early and by 30 I was thanking my lucky stars that I skipped breakfast before hand

I'd rather be doing this.

In any case- I have a hot date with some epsom salts tonight-- for sure.  And, as much as I didn't love it, I think this is a really good 'step up' for us in our relationship.

A question...

I know that there are many out there who specifically want to give or receive discipline.

For me, however, I'm learning that it's not discipline that I crave-- so much as it is attention.

And I wonder if there are any others out there who have realized something similar... and if so--how do you feel that need is fulfilled?

In what way is our submission granted the craved attention outside of discipline?

Kinky Complications

What I was pondering this morning, and am now writing about, is the complication of this certain "kink" which brings many of us together here in this space.

For many, kinks are complicated because they involve social maneuvering and vulnerability.  However, on the complication scale there is quite a bit of variation.  For instance, if one is particularly fond of piercings, that may involve trips to the piercers, planning new modifications, etc.  But, it's all rather tangible and can be more easily separated from day to day life.

With TTWD, however-- at least for me, the kink of it all depends in large part on times when things aren't directly sexual.

It's about being told what to wear (or not to wear, as the case may be).  It's about having my door opened for me, and putting dinner on the table.  

It's about including the sexual in the mundane.  A text message in the middle of the day that must be immediately erased-- on the off chance I get in a car accident and someone sees my phone.

It's about the fact that people think I'm nice and sweet and a very good girl.  I find it hilarious that people watch their language around me, and apologize on the off chance I've been offended.  

If they only knew...

So it's complicated.  Especially as one who wants to be on the sub side of things.  Because, to truly feel satisfied, I can't be in control.  I don't want to be in control.  But, sometimes it's not enough not to be in control-- I want REMINDERS that I'm not in control-- while I'm out working, home cleaning, wandering around walking the dog...

Things that are easy to know, but hard to remember

I was reading this post this morning and something that she said resonated with me--

This time though, i'm finding that i don't want to dwell here anymore.  I've had my mistakes pointed out, much to my chagrin and my shame.  I've talked it out.  And i'm fed up with myself for winding up right back in the same spot i've been in before.  I should be able to learn and move on.  

I love reading her posts, and it's because I can SOOOO relate.  

It's such a habit for ME to think of learning as something linear.  It's how we're taught in school.  First you learn addition, then subtraction, then multiplication, then division-- right?

I thought about tying this into dog training again, but though it makes perfect sense to me because it's my profession and I am amazed at how human dogs are on a regular basis-- I worry that I might offend some readers if I continually compare human relationships to dog training dynamics.  Please be aware that I don't think of myself as a dog.  It's just that as sentient beings we do have many commonalities in how we learn and react to the world.  Humans are, after all, still animal.  In any case, however, I am not going to tie this post into dog training other than to say that I have worked with learning for some time, with adults, children and now pets.  Learning is a dynamic, ever changing experience.  Even small changes in life can effect our comprehension, retention and application.

It's because learning and applying happen in more places than the head.  Just because you know something in your brain doesn't mean your heart and your gut are willing to comply.  

I know that I should submit to John, I really do.  But if I ALWAYS submit, will he still give me those pieces of dominance that make me feel so safe, secure and owned?  When he feels like things are going smoothly, will he forget about MY needs?  It may show selfish immaturity, but it's human and it's real and it's something with which I struggle.  

If his discipline, leadership and dominance are successful, then I should be compliant and things will run smoothly, right?  And then when things are running smoothly, will he take that for granted?  What it comes down to is, do I trust?  

And on an increasing number of days, the answer is yes.

But, there are times when I didn't get enough sleep and life is overwhelming and I'm feeling crabby and cranky and needy and childish and I question and test and poke and prod.

Of course, in those cases he may see my weakness and vulnerability and it just appears to him as a failure of his ability to lead.  

This is all vast over-simplification of complex goings on in the process of learning how to adapt this relationship.

The big point, overall, is just that learning happens in more than the head.  And that's why I seem to regress, I think.  Because first I must learn what's expected, then I must learn how to execute it, then I must learn how to execute it when I'm not feeling it.  And-- most of all, I must learn to trust.  And I will always be learning, improving and sometimes improvement will feel like nothing other than failure.  But, so long as I keep moving forward it will not actually be failure.

Happy Easter!

Holidays are a wonderful time to make a concerted effort to appreciate those in your life-- and I must say that those blogs that I have been reading and you with whom I've been interacting both here and there have brought a lot of peace and have aided in a level of self-acceptance that may not have otherwise been accomplished-- at least not so soon.

For that-- for your shared thoughts and ideas and for the never ending pool of acceptance I say thank you.

And, of course, Happy Easter!

--Jane